My Imperfect Parenting Journey: for anyone who’s failed at gentle parenting

Something always felt off about this industry and I could never quite put my finger on it. I suppose I didn’t want to see it. Because I wanted to believe, like most, that if I followed all the tips and hacks shared in perfectly curated videos that I’d do it! That I’d be the calm, got it together mom who was the perfect blend of playful and firm, who didn’t need any help, who meal planned but was also spontaneous, who worked but not too much, with well behaved kids who ate vegetables and never watched tv and always said please and thank you, who were wild and creative but also obedient (but not too obedient) and of course slept through the night.

I sighed with relief when the ‘experts’ said big feelings are normal. Then as they explained the proper technique for managing(stopping) tantrums I wound right back up. And when the advice didn’t work, I assumed it was me. The sneaky message lurking behind all the popular parenting approaches was, ‘it was only hard because you were doing it wrong.’

Taking over the chalkboard to get my thoughts out of my head and into the world.

Slowly I became wise to,

The modern parenting paradox: 

Normalizing the struggle + expecting perfection

And that’s when I realized, I’m not interested in furthering the perfect mother myth. I want something else for myself and the families I support, I want to illuminate a path for imperfect parenting, where we can learn and grow while welcoming our humanness.

I want to share my journey to this discovery because I know you will relate and see yourself working through these same challenges. Over the past six years, I grappled with three big questions that lead me here.

Question one: Why is parenting so hard? 

This is where I started. In the beginning, I was entirely focused on my child’s behaviour and the goal that with the right parenting insights I would have a happy and well-behaved child. I dug into classes, books and research and discovered a passion for developmental psychology and neuroscience.

Eventually, I discovered that normal childhood development was very much at odds with accepted societal expectations. At this point, my focus shifted from behaviour to relationship. I worked on building the relationship necessary to allow the developmental process to unfold, for maturation to happen while creating a barrier from unhelpful cultural expectations. 

It was a long journey from:

- how do I get the tantrums to stop? 

To:

- tantrums are normal and how do I support my child while also staying regulated myself? 

Which naturally leads to…

Question two: Why do some parents find it harder than others? 

At a certain point, I got stuck. While all my parenting insights from question one were incredibly helpful, I would still find myself losing my cool. Taking some deep breaths didn’t help. Knowing better didn’t help. And I couldn’t stop thinking about why some parents struggle so much while others don’t. 

Learning more about our nervous systems, polyvagal theory and somatics opened my perspective and deepened my understanding. The truth is we all show up with different histories, support and circumstances. It’s not as simple as a few deep breaths and it is much harder for some than others. It begins with acknowledging, attuning and attending to our own needs, something that we may be incredibly disconnected from. This work may look like tending to our basic needs, therapy, inner child work or reparenting, breathwork, bodywork, journaling, exercise, reconnecting with friends or hobbies. I’ve come to accept this is a long process, I’m talking years not weeks. 

Here was another journey from:

  • How do I stay calm all the time? 

To:

  • How do I make space for my own emotions and support my healing journey? 

Which leads to…

Question three: Why is it like this?

After a while, it becomes clear, that this is not an individual problem that can be fixed with new tips and strategies. You can put all your energy into raising a child who is securely attached, emotionally expressive and supported while also healing your own nervous system and thoughtfully tending to your needs. And if you manage to balance all that - you still need to go out into the world where you will often encounter experiences to undermine your progress. A family member tells your son to toughen up when he cries. A teacher shames your daughter for not being able to sit still. When you express your needs or frustrations as a mother, you’re dismissed and told to be grateful. Most of us can’t run off to a cabin in the woods (nor do we really want to). We are parenting within culture and structures that are actively working against us. This is the reality of patriarchal motherhood and a long list of ‘isms. 

As my initial surge of anger subsided I was reminded that we don’t get to choose the time we mother in, but that doesn’t mean we just need to accept it. We need to reexamine our beliefs around motherhood and put the perfect mother myth to rest. Because, when continue to use the insights and tools available to us in pursuit of the ‘good child’ and the perfect mother, they don’t serve us. They only give us further to fall when inevitably our efforts fall short leaving us burnt out, depressed and anxious. Because the perfect mother myth is exactly that - a myth that we were never meant to achieve. 

This was a journey from, 

  • How do I make this work for me?

To:

  • This was never built for me to succeed and I am going to help change it. 


What’s next? Pioneering the path of the imperfect mother

How do we start a new journey? 

What does the path of the imperfect mother look like? 

I like to imagine it looks like more authenticity, going slower and doing less, saying no a lot more, more flexibility, more options and way less apologizing. But this can’t be prescribed. No two paths will be identical.

We do have the power to shift the culture of motherhood. We can reflect on our practices and hold close to those which we value and reject all those that do not serve us. We can turn into our inner knowing and nurture the community we have. We can then imagine something different for ourselves and for our children and each day take small steps to build something that serves us and ultimately benefits everyone. 

And for my business?

What this means is both expanding and limiting my offerings.

Finally, I feel free of the hesitation that plagued me. I wish I had these insights 6 years ago but I know I am richer for my experiences. I am looking forward to sharing this journey of imperfect parenting with you, highs and lows, success and failures and everything in between.

Imperfectly yours,

Heather

Parenting, Self care, Village of SupportHeather Sandemotherhood, imperfect parenting, gentle parenting