Kids are like Instant Pots
A recipe for a beautiful parent-child relationship
I was claimed by the Instant Pot craze in 2019 after a compelling demonstration at a mom-and-baby group. As I devoured my one-pot spaghetti and meatballs I was entranced by this one-pot, low-touch cooking method.
Today my Instant Pot mostly hangs out in an annoyingly inaccessible back corner of a cupboard but every so often I’m compelled to lug it out for a dish of creamy chicken and rice.
It’s a different cooking experience, the Instant Pot. There is no peeking, stirring, midway seasoning adjustments or general fussing. Just blind trust in the immense pressure transforming your raw ingredients into a yummy meal.
As I waited for my creamy chicken I reflected on the pandemonium which is the after-school pick-up. Several months in, I had hoped my JKer would have been more…settled. Pulling her home in the wagon with a snack had helped - in that it delayed the explosion of feelings until we were off school property and safely within the confines of home. How could I make this challenging time with both my kids more manageable, I pondered. Maybe I could try setting up an activity on the table for when they arrive home? Maybe I should check in with her teachers? Maybe she needs more movement - what physical play could we do?...
My reverie was broken by the beep as I was summoned to perform the final and most dramatic step of the Instant Pot cooking process. I switched the valve from sealing to venting and stood back and marvelled at the loud eruption of steam - not unlike my 4-year-old at 3:30 PM
That’s when it hit me - my child is like an Instant Pot.
This metaphor is so good it has literally made parenting easier! Let me break it down for you:
We can’t see what’s inside!
Much like an Instant Pot, we can’t see what’s going on inside our child, but we know there is a lot of pressure building up. A better word for pressure when it comes to our kids would be frustration.
We can’t see all the frustrations our child has experienced: spilling their snack, getting bumped in line, being left out by a friend, not getting a turn, falling and not being comforted. All these little moments happen and are held onto.
The main frustration is being separated from us! Even when they have loving teachers and friends, it’s just hard being apart. And the younger they are, the more challenging it is. That’s why ‘restraint collapse’ is a thing.
2. You have to release the steam to get to the good stuff
We can’t skip ahead, open the lid and eat our dinner. We have to let the pressure out first. The same is true for our kids - we can’t skip over the part where they let out and express their frustrations. We also don’t get to dictate how much frustration our child has and how long it might take to release.
When away from us our kids usually go into ‘sealing mode’ meaning they keep all their big feelings inside.
Coming home and being with you (ie. feeling safe) is the equivalent of moving the valve from sealing to venting. This is the essence of restraint collapse.
3. Cooking times matter!
If your Instant Pot is set to cook for too long you’ll get a burn warning and your food will come out tough and hard. If our kids go too long without expressing their frustration they lose their soft hearts and become defended and very difficult to parent. (seriously, this is the root behind most challenging behaviour)
Not all kids have the same ‘cooking times’ A more easy-going child may return home with very little frustration whereas a highly sensitive child may accumulate a high amount of frustration easily. For some, a full day at daycare or school pushes them beyond their current capacity.
Cooking times change from day to day depending on the circumstances. We have to judge if they are more of a chicken or potato ;)
So if kids are like Instant Pots - What we need some recipes and cooking tips!
The release is necessary
I had to surrender and accept that my daughter releasing her frustration and tears was just going to be part of the routine.
Letting go of our resistance means we can make more space for those big feelings. As a bonus, this often means they can move through it more quickly.
2. 1 part laugher + 1 part play + 1 part tears = Soft hearts
Physical play and laughter are great ways to release emotions in an enjoyable way! An increase in play and laughter will lead to a decrease in aggressive behaviour and whining. Use my special time & rough and tumble play guide for ideas and inspiration.
Sad tears are the magic ingredient for a soft heart. When our children have a good sad cry it means they’ve been able to move from mad to sad and accept all the things that didn’t work for them. (Children five and under need to cry frequently.)
Soft hearts mean our children feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities with us. It allows them to feel connected to us and in turn WANT to be good for us. This is where cooperation comes from and how parenting gets easier.
3. Use quality ingredients (reduce frustration)
While regular expressions of frustration and tears are normal and to be expected we also don’t want to exacerbate the situation
Keep an eye on the basics like sleep, hunger, thirst, and screen time.
The fastest way to reduce frustration is to reduce separation. This is where 1:1 parent coaching is really helpful.
It’s okay to modify the environment! If your child is having a tough time adapting to a new teacher at daycare, it’s okay to offer more support and comfort as they are adapting. Remember, cooking times vary and if we don’t want hardened hearts.
I enjoyed my dinner that night knowing we were on track, and that our after-school meltdowns were all part of the recipe. While they aren’t fun I respect and appreciate their purpose. I was able to remind myself this is a necessary step in fostering adaptability and resilience. If I gave the recipe a title it might be, ‘a mature and responsible adult’ or ‘a beautiful parent-child relationship’.
Sometimes when my kids are falling apart at the end of the day I visualize the steam erupting out of the ears and I have a secret smile. Who knew my greatest source of parenting inspiration would be a trendy kitchen gadget? It’s even better than 1 pot spaghetti and meatballs.
Was this metaphor just what you needed to hear? Share with a friend or your favourite Facebook group. Help me start the latest trend, Instant Pot Parenting ;)
Are you stuck in frustration but never seeing those magic tears? Start here to explore parenting coaching and workshops.
Make sure you access my free Special Time & Rough and Tumble Play Guide for inspiration and a bump in connection and cooperation.