Monday I came down with a cold. My husband is in the thick of a very challenging season at work. My 4-year-old has been so full of anger the past month it’s been like parenting a ticking time bomb. My seven-year-olds new thing is complaining about everything. The sun hasn’t shone in 6 days. There are toys and paper and crumbs everywhere. I lost my temper again this morning. My sinuses are pounding. I feel like a fraud. 

It’s Wednesday and I have run out of silver linings. 

I know I’m not alone and yet it feels so isolating. It’s a heavy weight on our shoulders, knowing there is no hero riding in to save the day.

It’s just us.

And we are tired.  

*sigh* 

So I’m writing this for me and for every parent out there:

How to be a parent when things are really really really hard. 

1. Cry

• If you only do one step - let it be this one. 

• All the tricks and tips in the world won’t change the fact that this is hard. Period. Crying gives us a chance to say, “Things didn’t turn out the way I wanted” And from here we can start again. The rainbow only comes after the rain.

2. Triage needs

• Get clear on what everyone in the family needs and how urgent. If you are parenting young kids you know: needs don’t keep - they escalate! 

• For example, my 4-year-old is struggling with a lot of anger. That need doesn’t keep well and it’s creating a bottleneck in addressing anything else. Committing to 15 minutes of rough-and-tumble play every day may then buy me the cooperation and calm necessary to tend to other members of my family and myself. (trust me, this isn’t what I feel like doing - but I also know it’s worth it)

3. Get back to basics

• There are some things we can control. Sleep, nutritional needs, getting outside, moving my body: these are practical things I can attend to and ensure I have a cushy or at least decent window of tolerance. 

• Remember with children it’s about controlling the environment - not the outcome. I can offer balanced meals and have a solid bedtime routine but I can’t control what they eat or when they fall asleep. 

• Quality time (which is essentially playtime for kids) is something I consider a basic need. When our relationships are out of alignment everything suffers. If there was ever a time to commit to a special time routine - this. is. it. (new to special time or need a refresher? - grab my free guide)

4. Call in support

• This is a tricky one. I think we all have a vision of grandparents swooping in and fixing it all, but it’s rarely that simple. 

• Hopefully, some ideas have popped up about what would qualify as true support. 

• Saying No to work or social commitments 

• Booking a therapy appointment or connecting with a friend who is a good listener

• Having groceries or meals delivered or outsourcing a chore when financially feasible

• Asking family, friends or hiring a babysitter for more childcare help

• If your child’s behaviour is the bottleneck, consider working with a parent coach

And that’s it.

I feel the glimmer of my silver lining returning.

I hope you do too.

xo,

Heather

(If not, repeat step 1 as many times as necessary. If you need help getting the tears flowing, Upworthy never disappoints!)