How I Got My Toddler Sleeping (without sleep training)

*Hello lovely parent! A note before you get started. Hearing someone’s personal experience can be so helpful but it can also stir us up. Remember my decisions and experience are not a judgement of yours. Every situation is unique, and I do hope you find this helpful in some way!

Evidence of the cute little one keeping me awake at night.

Never in the history of the world has there been such a loaded question as “How did you sleep?” 

How much time do you have? 

There is nothing more bonding to new parents than sharing their sleep schedules, routines, failures and successes. This is prime-time material! 

If you’ve read this far…if you get it, we are now best friends and I’m going to tell you the WHOLE story of my second child and how we eventually got some sleep. 

E, like most, has her own sleep quirks. She liked to contact nap and loves nursing. Motion did nothing for her, only enthusiastic rocking or bouncing had any effect. Night wakings required a lot of support. There was no fussing a bit then settling back down. It would just escalate and escalate! As she got older bedtimes became longer, but in our case shortening (and eventually dropping) the nap was the tradeoff for a shorter, earlier bedtime.

But here is where things get interesting. By around 20 months she was sleeping pretty well and often staying in her crib all night. But then...I went back to work, she started daycare and it started to fall apart. She was waking a couple of times a night and I was so exhausted, I just brought her into bed, nursed her and we all went back to sleep. It was easy and honestly, I really enjoyed having a cute, cuddly and cheerful toddler beside me in the mornings. 

But then the 1-2 quick wakings started turning into more. Sometimes she was up every two hours and she was grumpy, fussy, harder to settle and restless to sleep next to. I was getting more and more tired. 

I felt lost - in the past I probably would have sleep trained, as I thought that was what you were supposed to do. But after studying with the Neufeld Institute and learning about developmental psychology I realized that sleep training was really just behaviourism and that wasn’t something I wasn’t comfortable with. But what was the alternative? Thankfully I stumbled upon Lauren of Isla Grace and her Baby-Led Sleep Approach. She had also studied with Dr. Neufeld as well and her approach combined sleep science with the attachment theory. I quickly decided to go ahead and complete her 9-month certification so I’d be set up to help others as well as myself!

The course was incredibly comprehensive and soon my mind was swirling with questions. In the past, I would have jumped into action, trying to fix her sleep, because the sleep industry has set the expectation, all children should be sleeping a certain way. Instead, I became much more curious, observing my daughter and trying to answer the question, what is the real root of the issue? So here were my initial observations…

• Being close to me initially solved the problem (those wakings were about needing connection) but that had stopped working

• She had become more restless, often when I went into her room she would seem angry and resist being picked up and be kicking her legs a lot

• She was sleeping with her mouth open

• She was often grinding her teeth

I was beginning to suspect she had a tongue tie, although she was nursing fine. And while she didn’t seem sick, she also didn’t seem comfortable. I knew there was more to it. I decided I needed more support…

I was really overwhelmed with where to start. Eventually, I decided to begin by seeking treatment from a highly recommended osteopath in my area. These treatments did seem to help with teeth grinding and some of the restlessness. Also, Robin was also a fountain of knowledge and being able to talk things through with a supportive person was invaluable! 

Next, I consulted an occupational therapist, which actually gave me a LOT of insight into supporting both my kids! But the big takeaways were that E craved a lot of big movements in her day and being consistent with that would really help her feel more calm leading into bedtime. I also learned how soothing nursing is (strong input) which made me more thoughtful about nursing boundaries. Overall I left with much more understanding and respect for E’s sensory needs which continues to help with life during the day and night.

Night weaning was also likely in my future and I was more nervous as E was quite passionate about nursing and daytime boundaries were tough to hold. I did a short consult with an IBCLC (who was also a baby-led sleep and well-being specialist) and was encouraged to follow my instincts because there really isn’t 1 way or a ‘right’ way to night wean. In the end, I didn’t go forward with weaning but I felt confident about doing it when I was ready.

Finally, I decided to also consult a naturopath on the off chance we were also dealing with low iron or food sensitivities, which I knew from my course, may impact sleep. Initial suggestions of a high-protein bedtime snack and a small liquid magnesium supplement were really helpful! I really notice a difference when the kids have protein before bed (this is an easy, practical tip I always recommend!) Then I mentioned how on occasion, E would have a really painful bowel movement, where it would be almost impossible to change her diaper. I suspected that she may be sensitive to kiwi and pineapple. From there the naturopath suggested she may be sensitive to a whole category of foods (papaya, avocado, banana, passion fruit, tomato, fig, melon, cantaloupe, mango, kiwi, pineapple, peach and later we also discovered soy and sesame). So we started eliminating those. We also added a small liquid iron supplement on the understanding she wouldn’t be absorbing nutrients as well with those digestive issues. And we supplemented with bone broth and slippery elm to help with digestive healing. 

THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING. The fussiness, restlessness and more frequent wakings went away. Also - she was calmer during the day! Looking back it seems obvious, but at the time the digestive issues weren’t glaring. I had noticed the occasional tummy troubles, but it took time to connect the dots as many were foods we ate infrequently.

So we had made lots of progress but I was still feeling pretty stressed about E mouth breathing and overall oral posture. We did a couple of sessions with a myofunctional therapist which was instructive but ultimately pretty frustrating. At 2.5, it was just too difficult to get E’s cooperation.  I did have an airway dentist evaluate and confirm she does have a tongue tie however, she didn’t recommend having a release right away but instead starting with therapy to see what can be accomplished. At this point, I felt a little overwhelmed and took a pause on appointments.

Fast forward to today, and now, E is 3 years, 4 months and things are good! She still needs lots of movement in her day, still loves nursing and still can’t eat all those foods. When she’s sick or going through a big change she still wakes and needs more comfort and closeness - so she spends the rest of the night in our bed. She doesn’t nap and goes to bed pretty early and easily (at least in comparison to my 5-year-old, that’s another blog) On the odd days if she does have a nap we know bedtime will be much later. We recently started working with an amazing SLP who is also a myofunctional therapist to help with clarity in her speech as there are still a lot of sounds she can’t make and we are making progress. As she gets older we will work more on oral posture and hopefully get her sleeping with her mouth closed. I’ve come to terms with the idea we don’t need to fix everything at once. She’s happy and doing great. And I can see that now that I’m not so dang tired. 

It was great to write this all down and reflect on our sleep journey. What stands out the most is how much I learned - I started out just wanting a full night’s sleep but I got a lot more than that.

*And yes, that was a lot of appointments that required a big investment in time and money. Thankfully, not every case will need so much support. Now that I’m supporting other families I can help you decide if you need additional support and where to focus your time, energy and money. Schedule your free call if you’re interested in working together.

**And if you read all the way to the end, we really are friends now. ;)